Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.
I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?
When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.
I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.
No comments:
Post a Comment