5 days shy of 20 months

... I breast fed my daughter for 5 days shy of 20 months. I promised her a year, she conned 5 days short of 20 months from me. I can't even really say conned, she convinced me though.

It was a tough journey. For the first 5 weeks she didn't gain weight, we tried everything, and learned she was getting a fair quantity because of weighted feeds, so they tested my milk and I had low fat low iron milk, the low iron is not a shock since even taking 4 325mg ferrous sulfate pills a day I am extremely anemic, like my normal number is 9, after the iron pills. So we supplemented, and she finally started gaining weight (she was gaining height and head circumference, but not weight) and now she is well above the charts, has been since she was 6 months old. She decided she was done with formula at 10 months, which her doctor was fine with since she was still breastfeeding and we were able to incorporate whole cows milk.

So then when December came and I met with the RE she asked me to cut down, so that my cycle while returned and regular would not be effected, so we stopped boob when the sun was down, no more night feedings. Though she still got to have it for nap time, and comfort during the day. Everyone was okay with this, the toddler and my doctor.

Then came Friday. We took the toddler to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. She got upset because she dropped the temperature toothpick from her steak which is how she likes to eat her steak, and started throwing a fit. She repeatedly tried to remove my shirt, not to feed but to hold my boob, we were seated directly across from the men's room, and with my PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, it was insanely hard on me. I told her if she kept it up she would not breast feed any more. She kept it up, and we reached the point of done. Today was day 3 without it, she hasn't asked again, and it's safe to say we are done. I might miss it eventually, I love the bonus snuggles from it, but I did miss having some part of my body to myself. For a month (hopefully) any way.

Birth Control for Fertility Treatments

It is still entirely too weird being on the birth control pill as part of my fertility treatments. 3 days in, 11 to go. Taking a little pill every day to hope to reduce the size of a cyst, one that is preventing the next cycle from starting. The 2.4 cm cyst that is changing our family plan. We wanted to try in October, the insane length of time it took to get in to the clinic after we got our referral in August prevented that. Well I did have an appointment in October, until the clinic cancelled it and rescheduled it for December. We were finally ready to actually start in February, but we all know how that has been turning out.

I can't wait to be moving forward again. Being stalled feels more like failure than anything else. Taking birth control at any time in this process feels like failure. I hate this feeling. But I also moved forward with other things. I used C's help to contact a new therapist, one that shouldn't charge 250 AFTER insurance, and try to assign me to the wrong therapist. Trust me, I don't need a doctor who specializes in Trans issues, that is not why I need therapy, I need PTSD therapy. I need help working on my anxiety and depression, I need help processing all the panic attacks and the fears, and the flashbacks. I need help communicating with the people close to me. I need help not over reacting internally to every stimuli. I need help feeling level again. I don't need help processing the fact my husband is trans, I am good with that, have never had an issue with that, and will never have an issue with that. Keeping most of him is so much better than losing all of him. and when he wasn't living his true life he was suicidal. I could have lost ALL of him.

I feel some days like I will snap

Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.

I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?

When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.

I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.

Reaching out, and the difficulties with it.

Sometimes, even after you reach out for help with your depression, it is still hard to admit your dealing with it. You are so accustomed to saying, oh I'm okay, I'm fine. The most unwell answers I can give are, I've been better, and I'm kind of meh. Neither of those answers even touch the depth of my feelings, I feel empty, isolated and alone, I am too anxious to continue to reach out if I keep getting told no, or stood up, and it's hard. I have thought actively lately of ways to kill myself, something I have really only gotten in to with my husband, though we both know I won't because I look at my daughter and couldn't do that to her, or leave him alone with her, she would stress him out!

I wish there was an easy out of depression, I wish my anxiety wasn't so crippling and I could just easily call every therapist on my insurance's website. it's not an easy solution once you start to feel this way. I wish once you reach out the call for help once, it was easier to admit you need the help when people ask later. One day, maybe this will get easier, but for now, it just isn't.

Here is the Rafflecopter for the giveaway I started yesterday to help keep me motivated to keep writing through this incredibly blank spell of life.

a Rafflecopter giveaway