Potty Training! Scary!

We started underwear and potty training steps, and it is so scary. The toddler has been showing us she is ready for a good while now, running to specific places to crouch and poop, trying to take off her diaper before and after she pees, but I have been hesitant because she is not the best at speaking to communicate yet, she can tell you what she wants with gestures and signs and doesn't seem to care to speak unless your really not paying attention to her, or she really has to tell you she didn't do something, and we take a lot of road trips so she won't be able to communicate her need to use the bathroom as well as a mommy would like, but she is outgrowing the largest size of iPlay swim diapers at 20 months old, and size 6 huggies are even too snug after a big meal.

So we bought Pull Ups which we will probably use at night until we wean off the full bottles around bed time, and underwear, and we have been spending more time acclimating her to the potty she has been peeing on since she was 6 months old. It was really about curiosity then, sitting when mommy sat since she didn't want to be apart and she would just go most of the time, this is different she is more mobile, more opinionated, more fun.

Tonight she had a dry hour before bed, with a little potty sitting and playing up and down with her panties, we will try for longer tomorrow, and more the day after that, until this process is done, wooooo. I just hope she doesn't use the diaper free time to pee on the cat like she did every time she had naked time when she was itty bitty.

Acupuncture with Fertility treatments

I started acupuncture tonight, because with the toddler the first cycle failed, then I had 3 sessions of acupuncture before our IUI with her, and here she is BAM! Quintuple the follicles, with no change in the meds. This may not be the norm this is my actual experience. So after this last failed cycle, we started acupuncture again. Here are someone else's facts on the matter. it's nice to have 45 minutes to just sit, and not worry about the toddler because she is home with daddy. We will be doing this twice a week until IUI and once a week through the first trimester, up to 30 sessions (because that is what insurance covers, and that is an important factor).

On that point 8 more days of birth control. Which is still, even being poked with 20 needles, the weirdest part of my fertility journey yet. Oh you want to get rid of a cyst? Take birth control. I never knew birth control could reduce cysts, I knew it could be treatment for keeping them at bay, but I didn't know it was more aggressive than that.

An odd thing I keep thinking about is how to pick a donor, be is sperm or egg. We have only had to pick sperm donors, and we went with my blood type (there is an old wive's tale that if the baby is your blood type you will have less morning sickness), C's hair color and eye color, CMV- (because I am and there is no reason to risk my ability to give baby blood if we don't have to) and then by education, the top with education in our filter had allergies, and we wanted to reduce allergy risk with all my allergies so we went with the second on the list. Donor 2789. I am sure other people have different processes, heck our sperm bank even photo matches to the dad if you want. Because science is awesome.

5 days shy of 20 months

... I breast fed my daughter for 5 days shy of 20 months. I promised her a year, she conned 5 days short of 20 months from me. I can't even really say conned, she convinced me though.

It was a tough journey. For the first 5 weeks she didn't gain weight, we tried everything, and learned she was getting a fair quantity because of weighted feeds, so they tested my milk and I had low fat low iron milk, the low iron is not a shock since even taking 4 325mg ferrous sulfate pills a day I am extremely anemic, like my normal number is 9, after the iron pills. So we supplemented, and she finally started gaining weight (she was gaining height and head circumference, but not weight) and now she is well above the charts, has been since she was 6 months old. She decided she was done with formula at 10 months, which her doctor was fine with since she was still breastfeeding and we were able to incorporate whole cows milk.

So then when December came and I met with the RE she asked me to cut down, so that my cycle while returned and regular would not be effected, so we stopped boob when the sun was down, no more night feedings. Though she still got to have it for nap time, and comfort during the day. Everyone was okay with this, the toddler and my doctor.

Then came Friday. We took the toddler to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. She got upset because she dropped the temperature toothpick from her steak which is how she likes to eat her steak, and started throwing a fit. She repeatedly tried to remove my shirt, not to feed but to hold my boob, we were seated directly across from the men's room, and with my PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, it was insanely hard on me. I told her if she kept it up she would not breast feed any more. She kept it up, and we reached the point of done. Today was day 3 without it, she hasn't asked again, and it's safe to say we are done. I might miss it eventually, I love the bonus snuggles from it, but I did miss having some part of my body to myself. For a month (hopefully) any way.

Sick Toddler

Toddler has been incredibly congested for 3 days, though it seems to be clearing up. Yesterday she even had a fever with it. Tylenol cleared it right up, thank goodness. She hates having her nose wiped, which has made it a LONG couple of days. Luckily a few months ago we made her milk tea the first time, and so it was easy to keep her hydrated and give her honey to prevent a sore throat from post nasal drip. I am assuming she has post nasal drip since I do, and she basically has my nose lol.

The hardest part might be that since she is sick she is extra cranky. I keep getting punched, and yelled at, in toddlerese which is not always easy to figure out. As she gets better she is being friendly again thank goodness. Of course she is still her stubborn self, sick or not. And her eating habits are getting back to normal, which is always a good thing.

Early tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy early day, which takes a lot of getting used to. I have to go back to the doctor, because of course I am still waiting for my cycle to start. Weirdest round of fertility treatments ever. This might be the only time I will openly wish my husband was born with the bits he feels like he should have been. Maybe tomorrow I will actually get answers instead of a generic well you should start in the next two days, and if you don't let us know Tuesday. For real I am sure natural planning is stressful, but this is expensive and stressful which sucks. This is less expensive than toddler, since I am actually on my husband's insurance this time, last time I was just using my VA coverage and fertility treatments were not covered.

It's more stressful not having answers than knowing I am absolutely without a doubt not pregnant and starting the process again. Dear Aunt Flo, I never thought I would fight for you. And after this pregnancy I might try to eliminate you from my life since we have agreed to only 2 bio pregnancies and possibly adoption later.

I wish family planning were easier, but I guess I can't change that now. At least we have been able to time things how we are most comfortable?

I feel some days like I will snap

Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.

I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?

When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.

I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.

Flying Spaghetti Monsters

I am not sure where tonight's blog will go, I just feel the need to write something... though I am not sure exactly what.

I am 5 episodes from being ready to watch the episode tonight, so that will all be caught up tomorrow. But i can't take any more tonight.

For now it is about time to put the toddler down for a nap, she had an interesting day, she refused to eat at lunch when we got Dim Sum, because she wanted her normal from that restaurant, so guess who got her sushi after all, lol. For real toddlers can be so intense!  She also tried to boycott her nap today, and ended up taking a late one, so hopefully here in a few minutes she will sleep at bedtime. Only time will tell!

End of a visit

My Mother in Law left to go back to West Virginia tonight, it was nice having another adult here that was up most of the time when I was awake, and to get some socialization for me, as well as all the benefits for my daughter spending time with her. We ended our visit going to the comic book store, which means the toddler got 3 Funko pops instead of the normal 2 (she gets 2 if she goes and 1 if she stays home on comic books days). Today she picked Frank N Furter, Black Canary and Wonder Woman. Her collection is growing quite rapidly, which is good, since they are her favorite toys.

It's an interesting tradition in our family, movies and comic book stores are our favorite outings. My husband gathers all the signed books he can, and they have them fairly often at this store. My daughter circles the giant Funko display for as long as we let her, and takes her time selecting her new toys. Most of them stay home, but she gets to bring 3 in her diaper bag. Elsa has never been allowed in the diaper bag, she isn't allowed near Sherlock (I still can't figure out why) and Sherlock is a diaper bag staple.

Toddler Eating habits

This week I did a survey on my toddler's eating habits. They called on a Wednesday so the information was about a Tuesday. Tuesdays might be the worst day of the week for my toddler's eating habits. You see Tuesday is the day she has swim class, so she always has M&Ms, and we usually eat out for lunch, much of the time it's fast food, so she can eat before her nap. We also have fried rice and orange chicken every week, because it's the hubby's favorite, and well it's nice to have one night a week where I don't have to think about what we are eating. So it looked like she is not the best eater.

Other foods she has eaten this week include Miso soup, which she LOVES, sushi, bul go gi, tilapia, so much broccoli, and chicken tikka masala. Yes she is a typical American kid, she has had chips, animal crackers, a juice box, a ton of chocolate milk, and fruit snacks. Most kids would have a hard time eating healthy ALL the time, but it's nice that my kid will eat healthy a good chunk of the time.

It's hard not to have mom guilt over the things she eats, I hope she will grow up with a good palate, enjoying lots of different types of foods, but I can't predict it, because she is a toddler, and she my first kid, so I don't really know when things might change, for now I am happy she will try all new foods, and she enjoys exotic cuisines.

Toddlers and pets

My daughter LOVES to feed our dog and "torture" our cat, I say torture, but the cat totally digs everything the toddler does, all the fur tugging, tail pulling, and face smushing.  Without a doubt my cat abandoned me when I got pregnant, the thing growing in my belly was more important to her, now they nap together, they hog my bed together, they follow each other like shadows, and even climb the cat tree together.

Unfortunately because she feeds him so much, the dog is starting to think he should be allowed to chew on EVERYTHING she hands him, thus none of her toys are safe, but especially her squeaky Easter eggs, as seen at this link The crazy squeaky eggs. He has chewed up several, the first was day one, I had to reorder them within 24 hours of receiving them, which is intense!

Because she has pets that give her vocal warnings and she experiences animals, she is good with most animals which makes me proud, though when both my mom's dogs bit her, my mom insisted it was because my daughter isn't good with dogs. Which is hogwash, but that is a thought process for another day.

Nap Boycots

Why is it toddlers decide to boycott their naps? They know they need them, you can tell because they are rubbing their eyes, and yet they do everything in their power to stay awake.  They kick, they run, my daughter even bites. Nap time might be the most stressful part of our day 60% of the time, the other 40% Rayna sleeps like a dream at nap time.

Toddlers are crazy.

Do all Toddlers Do this?

My Toddler is obsessed with finding chargers that are plugged in to the wall, and chewing on them.  No joke, ALL the time. I have had to buy a new charger EVERY month for the last 6 months, sometimes they break down so rapidly I am without a phone.

I am honestly just wondering if any other toddlers, or even any adults, EVER do this. And if you have ever seen any one break this habit, how?