Acupuncture with Fertility treatments

I started acupuncture tonight, because with the toddler the first cycle failed, then I had 3 sessions of acupuncture before our IUI with her, and here she is BAM! Quintuple the follicles, with no change in the meds. This may not be the norm this is my actual experience. So after this last failed cycle, we started acupuncture again. Here are someone else's facts on the matter. it's nice to have 45 minutes to just sit, and not worry about the toddler because she is home with daddy. We will be doing this twice a week until IUI and once a week through the first trimester, up to 30 sessions (because that is what insurance covers, and that is an important factor).

On that point 8 more days of birth control. Which is still, even being poked with 20 needles, the weirdest part of my fertility journey yet. Oh you want to get rid of a cyst? Take birth control. I never knew birth control could reduce cysts, I knew it could be treatment for keeping them at bay, but I didn't know it was more aggressive than that.

An odd thing I keep thinking about is how to pick a donor, be is sperm or egg. We have only had to pick sperm donors, and we went with my blood type (there is an old wive's tale that if the baby is your blood type you will have less morning sickness), C's hair color and eye color, CMV- (because I am and there is no reason to risk my ability to give baby blood if we don't have to) and then by education, the top with education in our filter had allergies, and we wanted to reduce allergy risk with all my allergies so we went with the second on the list. Donor 2789. I am sure other people have different processes, heck our sperm bank even photo matches to the dad if you want. Because science is awesome.

Birth Control for Fertility Treatments

It is still entirely too weird being on the birth control pill as part of my fertility treatments. 3 days in, 11 to go. Taking a little pill every day to hope to reduce the size of a cyst, one that is preventing the next cycle from starting. The 2.4 cm cyst that is changing our family plan. We wanted to try in October, the insane length of time it took to get in to the clinic after we got our referral in August prevented that. Well I did have an appointment in October, until the clinic cancelled it and rescheduled it for December. We were finally ready to actually start in February, but we all know how that has been turning out.

I can't wait to be moving forward again. Being stalled feels more like failure than anything else. Taking birth control at any time in this process feels like failure. I hate this feeling. But I also moved forward with other things. I used C's help to contact a new therapist, one that shouldn't charge 250 AFTER insurance, and try to assign me to the wrong therapist. Trust me, I don't need a doctor who specializes in Trans issues, that is not why I need therapy, I need PTSD therapy. I need help working on my anxiety and depression, I need help processing all the panic attacks and the fears, and the flashbacks. I need help communicating with the people close to me. I need help not over reacting internally to every stimuli. I need help feeling level again. I don't need help processing the fact my husband is trans, I am good with that, have never had an issue with that, and will never have an issue with that. Keeping most of him is so much better than losing all of him. and when he wasn't living his true life he was suicidal. I could have lost ALL of him.

Answers

So I started National Infertility Awareness week sitting in my Reproductive Endocrinologists office. Trust me, the irony was not lost on me. But unlike Thursday I finally got some answers; it really makes a difference when you get to see YOUR doctor and not one of the practice doctors. So she confirmed I had a biochemical pregnancy, and the hormones from it caused my body to start ovulation, but that follicle slowed in growth and has become a persistent cyst. So now, part of my fertility treatments is birth control pills, 2 weeks of them, that is right, part of my route to getting pregnant involves birth control. Seems like an oxymoron, but I need to regulate my hormones to get rid of the cyst.

It's amazing how even though I am not the primary reason for seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in our family, I still have issues from the treatments, which means it can happen to ANYONE. I have never once blamed my husband for having to grow our family this way, he even offered to carry a child for me, but he had been bleeding for 10 months straight and he needed a hysterectomy, plus I would have been so insanely jealous, that it probably would have broken up our relationship. That seems illogical since I had such a hard pregnancy, morning sickness the entire time, 3-5 bags of fluid twice a week, gestational diabetes, prodromal labor for 2 and a half months. And here I am fighting to do it again. because with all the pregnancy issues my toddler were so worth the battles. Heck even the PPD was entirely worth it (and so much better controlled since I was already under a regular therapists care).

I feel some days like I will snap

Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.

I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?

When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.

I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.

When your late, but the test is negative

So I have to go to the doctor at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, (leaving the house at 630 to be there at 730) because I need to have blood work done, and get an ultrasound. Both my doctor and I are wondering why my cycle still hasn't returned and the home pregnancy tests are still negative. I have wrapped my head around it being a chemical pregnancy, and am as okay with it as I will ever be. I am reasonably okay with it being late because of a cyst caused by the IUI treatments, and I am confused if it's a low HCG pregnancy since with Rayna my HCG was crazy high from the start. What I can say without a doubt it is not a is cryptic, or stealth pregnancy. I am clearly not about to be pregnant for 3-5 years, and I sure as heck will not think I am pregnant after a blood test and ultrasound. I just like to know what the heck is going on in my body, and wish I could figure it out on my own, but that is why you have a fertility doctor, right?

Even with my PCOS I have always had a regular cycle (28 days before the toddler, 31 days once my cycles started back up after the toddler- though breastfeeding gave me an awesome extra 14 months off lol) and honestly I doubt we would be seeing a fertility doctor if my hubby was born with the wrong bits. It does not bother us that this is family planning as a same sex and now trans family, and we choose to go through a doctor because sperm from a bank is expensive and we want to increase our chances each month, simple arithmetic really.

Would I be thrilled if somehow I am pregnant, heck yes. Will I be okay if I am not and we can figure out why my cycle is starting 2 weeks late, yes I will! For now, I am still playing a waiting game, dealing with this heartburn, and wondering why the heck I don't have PMS yet lol.