Some times you want something so badly it hurts. That is how I feel about the second baby that made made the lines switch from negative to positive after fertility treatment. I tested out my trigger, I watched the line fade, I watched it disappear, and I watched it come back. I was excited. It's been hard to feel that excited battling with depression and anxiety that come with my PTSD.
The new line stayed for 5 days, then it started to fade and disappear, I was no longer pregnant, the embryo did not implant properly, and we have to start over. Why are we going through fertility treatments you may be asking if you don't know me, well it's because my husband was "born with the wrong bits." It's hard to get pregnant when your spouse doesn't create their own sperm.
The day the test was negative again I tried to talk to my mom, tried to let her in, and started by asking her to please stop telling everyone I was pregnant (never having had an issue, we let people know early; it's easier to express a loss than to have every single person in your life ask how fertility treatments are going) I couldn't even get out that I wasn't any more before things somehow twisted to how stressful I was at 23 on her, more than my sister, another thing I am doing wrong.
Day 13 after IUI, 2 days after the last line, I broke down in the shower I just knew, the bout of nausea I had the night before would be the only one with this embryo, I knew that the official test the next day would be negative. Without even processing what I was writing, I posted this on Facebook:
Ugh. I feel so numb. I have glimmers of happy or sad, but mostly apathy and numbness. I'm pretty tired of feeling this way, but the therapist my doctor referred me to, and my insurance approved, doesn't want to take my insurance, and instead charge me 200 a visit. And the psych doctor wanted me to see the trans therapist instead of the PTSD therapist, which isn't even the right fit for my issues... Which makes me feel more hopeless. Sure we could probably find that money in our budgets, but it's just too much, for probably the wrong fit, and with a spouse who also battles anxiety and depression, changing the budget that is working to keep him balanced seems silly. Probably doesn't help that I had a positive pregnancy test that turned negative this month. (Chemical pregnancy, or an embryo that didn't complete implanting is the probable explanation, and unless I bring it up to you I don't really want to talk more about this, and I really don't want to discuss when we will add to our family after this) I don't know. I'm just lost. And I feel like maybe if I talk about it, other people who feel lost may feel less so.
People reached out, but when your depressed it still doesn't sink in that any one cares that anyone gives a shit, the crying kept going. I questioned if I could handle another cycle of fertility treatments. I still question it sometimes, if I can handle the change that will happen between me and my daughter, the change between her and her father, the change between me and C. But we decided a long time ago we wanted more than one, and we preferred a smaller age gap, so I am sure we are moving forward again.
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