Early tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy early day, which takes a lot of getting used to. I have to go back to the doctor, because of course I am still waiting for my cycle to start. Weirdest round of fertility treatments ever. This might be the only time I will openly wish my husband was born with the bits he feels like he should have been. Maybe tomorrow I will actually get answers instead of a generic well you should start in the next two days, and if you don't let us know Tuesday. For real I am sure natural planning is stressful, but this is expensive and stressful which sucks. This is less expensive than toddler, since I am actually on my husband's insurance this time, last time I was just using my VA coverage and fertility treatments were not covered.

It's more stressful not having answers than knowing I am absolutely without a doubt not pregnant and starting the process again. Dear Aunt Flo, I never thought I would fight for you. And after this pregnancy I might try to eliminate you from my life since we have agreed to only 2 bio pregnancies and possibly adoption later.

I wish family planning were easier, but I guess I can't change that now. At least we have been able to time things how we are most comfortable?

I feel some days like I will snap

Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.

I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?

When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.

I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.

Flying Spaghetti Monsters

I am not sure where tonight's blog will go, I just feel the need to write something... though I am not sure exactly what.

I am 5 episodes from being ready to watch the episode tonight, so that will all be caught up tomorrow. But i can't take any more tonight.

For now it is about time to put the toddler down for a nap, she had an interesting day, she refused to eat at lunch when we got Dim Sum, because she wanted her normal from that restaurant, so guess who got her sushi after all, lol. For real toddlers can be so intense!  She also tried to boycott her nap today, and ended up taking a late one, so hopefully here in a few minutes she will sleep at bedtime. Only time will tell!

End of a visit

My Mother in Law left to go back to West Virginia tonight, it was nice having another adult here that was up most of the time when I was awake, and to get some socialization for me, as well as all the benefits for my daughter spending time with her. We ended our visit going to the comic book store, which means the toddler got 3 Funko pops instead of the normal 2 (she gets 2 if she goes and 1 if she stays home on comic books days). Today she picked Frank N Furter, Black Canary and Wonder Woman. Her collection is growing quite rapidly, which is good, since they are her favorite toys.

It's an interesting tradition in our family, movies and comic book stores are our favorite outings. My husband gathers all the signed books he can, and they have them fairly often at this store. My daughter circles the giant Funko display for as long as we let her, and takes her time selecting her new toys. Most of them stay home, but she gets to bring 3 in her diaper bag. Elsa has never been allowed in the diaper bag, she isn't allowed near Sherlock (I still can't figure out why) and Sherlock is a diaper bag staple.

Toddler Eating habits

This week I did a survey on my toddler's eating habits. They called on a Wednesday so the information was about a Tuesday. Tuesdays might be the worst day of the week for my toddler's eating habits. You see Tuesday is the day she has swim class, so she always has M&Ms, and we usually eat out for lunch, much of the time it's fast food, so she can eat before her nap. We also have fried rice and orange chicken every week, because it's the hubby's favorite, and well it's nice to have one night a week where I don't have to think about what we are eating. So it looked like she is not the best eater.

Other foods she has eaten this week include Miso soup, which she LOVES, sushi, bul go gi, tilapia, so much broccoli, and chicken tikka masala. Yes she is a typical American kid, she has had chips, animal crackers, a juice box, a ton of chocolate milk, and fruit snacks. Most kids would have a hard time eating healthy ALL the time, but it's nice that my kid will eat healthy a good chunk of the time.

It's hard not to have mom guilt over the things she eats, I hope she will grow up with a good palate, enjoying lots of different types of foods, but I can't predict it, because she is a toddler, and she my first kid, so I don't really know when things might change, for now I am happy she will try all new foods, and she enjoys exotic cuisines.

When your late, but the test is negative

So I have to go to the doctor at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, (leaving the house at 630 to be there at 730) because I need to have blood work done, and get an ultrasound. Both my doctor and I are wondering why my cycle still hasn't returned and the home pregnancy tests are still negative. I have wrapped my head around it being a chemical pregnancy, and am as okay with it as I will ever be. I am reasonably okay with it being late because of a cyst caused by the IUI treatments, and I am confused if it's a low HCG pregnancy since with Rayna my HCG was crazy high from the start. What I can say without a doubt it is not a is cryptic, or stealth pregnancy. I am clearly not about to be pregnant for 3-5 years, and I sure as heck will not think I am pregnant after a blood test and ultrasound. I just like to know what the heck is going on in my body, and wish I could figure it out on my own, but that is why you have a fertility doctor, right?

Even with my PCOS I have always had a regular cycle (28 days before the toddler, 31 days once my cycles started back up after the toddler- though breastfeeding gave me an awesome extra 14 months off lol) and honestly I doubt we would be seeing a fertility doctor if my hubby was born with the wrong bits. It does not bother us that this is family planning as a same sex and now trans family, and we choose to go through a doctor because sperm from a bank is expensive and we want to increase our chances each month, simple arithmetic really.

Would I be thrilled if somehow I am pregnant, heck yes. Will I be okay if I am not and we can figure out why my cycle is starting 2 weeks late, yes I will! For now, I am still playing a waiting game, dealing with this heartburn, and wondering why the heck I don't have PMS yet lol.

Toddlers and pets

My daughter LOVES to feed our dog and "torture" our cat, I say torture, but the cat totally digs everything the toddler does, all the fur tugging, tail pulling, and face smushing.  Without a doubt my cat abandoned me when I got pregnant, the thing growing in my belly was more important to her, now they nap together, they hog my bed together, they follow each other like shadows, and even climb the cat tree together.

Unfortunately because she feeds him so much, the dog is starting to think he should be allowed to chew on EVERYTHING she hands him, thus none of her toys are safe, but especially her squeaky Easter eggs, as seen at this link The crazy squeaky eggs. He has chewed up several, the first was day one, I had to reorder them within 24 hours of receiving them, which is intense!

Because she has pets that give her vocal warnings and she experiences animals, she is good with most animals which makes me proud, though when both my mom's dogs bit her, my mom insisted it was because my daughter isn't good with dogs. Which is hogwash, but that is a thought process for another day.