Catfish?

Sometimes when I watch Catfish I wonder how people can do this to others. How do you show a picture that isn't you, make up lies about everything, and constantly be hiding who you are? How can people say it is a confidence booster? Is it confident to hide behind an avatar?

I think it's similar to the people who troll on the internet, when your hiding behind a screen people are brave.

I would hate to think I bully anyone online, and work as hard as i can to keep the net a safer place, because like it or not the toddler is better with electronics than I am.

I may not be perfect, but most days I am pretty content being me.

Potty Training! Scary!

We started underwear and potty training steps, and it is so scary. The toddler has been showing us she is ready for a good while now, running to specific places to crouch and poop, trying to take off her diaper before and after she pees, but I have been hesitant because she is not the best at speaking to communicate yet, she can tell you what she wants with gestures and signs and doesn't seem to care to speak unless your really not paying attention to her, or she really has to tell you she didn't do something, and we take a lot of road trips so she won't be able to communicate her need to use the bathroom as well as a mommy would like, but she is outgrowing the largest size of iPlay swim diapers at 20 months old, and size 6 huggies are even too snug after a big meal.

So we bought Pull Ups which we will probably use at night until we wean off the full bottles around bed time, and underwear, and we have been spending more time acclimating her to the potty she has been peeing on since she was 6 months old. It was really about curiosity then, sitting when mommy sat since she didn't want to be apart and she would just go most of the time, this is different she is more mobile, more opinionated, more fun.

Tonight she had a dry hour before bed, with a little potty sitting and playing up and down with her panties, we will try for longer tomorrow, and more the day after that, until this process is done, wooooo. I just hope she doesn't use the diaper free time to pee on the cat like she did every time she had naked time when she was itty bitty.

Acupuncture with Fertility treatments

I started acupuncture tonight, because with the toddler the first cycle failed, then I had 3 sessions of acupuncture before our IUI with her, and here she is BAM! Quintuple the follicles, with no change in the meds. This may not be the norm this is my actual experience. So after this last failed cycle, we started acupuncture again. Here are someone else's facts on the matter. it's nice to have 45 minutes to just sit, and not worry about the toddler because she is home with daddy. We will be doing this twice a week until IUI and once a week through the first trimester, up to 30 sessions (because that is what insurance covers, and that is an important factor).

On that point 8 more days of birth control. Which is still, even being poked with 20 needles, the weirdest part of my fertility journey yet. Oh you want to get rid of a cyst? Take birth control. I never knew birth control could reduce cysts, I knew it could be treatment for keeping them at bay, but I didn't know it was more aggressive than that.

An odd thing I keep thinking about is how to pick a donor, be is sperm or egg. We have only had to pick sperm donors, and we went with my blood type (there is an old wive's tale that if the baby is your blood type you will have less morning sickness), C's hair color and eye color, CMV- (because I am and there is no reason to risk my ability to give baby blood if we don't have to) and then by education, the top with education in our filter had allergies, and we wanted to reduce allergy risk with all my allergies so we went with the second on the list. Donor 2789. I am sure other people have different processes, heck our sperm bank even photo matches to the dad if you want. Because science is awesome.

5 days shy of 20 months

... I breast fed my daughter for 5 days shy of 20 months. I promised her a year, she conned 5 days short of 20 months from me. I can't even really say conned, she convinced me though.

It was a tough journey. For the first 5 weeks she didn't gain weight, we tried everything, and learned she was getting a fair quantity because of weighted feeds, so they tested my milk and I had low fat low iron milk, the low iron is not a shock since even taking 4 325mg ferrous sulfate pills a day I am extremely anemic, like my normal number is 9, after the iron pills. So we supplemented, and she finally started gaining weight (she was gaining height and head circumference, but not weight) and now she is well above the charts, has been since she was 6 months old. She decided she was done with formula at 10 months, which her doctor was fine with since she was still breastfeeding and we were able to incorporate whole cows milk.

So then when December came and I met with the RE she asked me to cut down, so that my cycle while returned and regular would not be effected, so we stopped boob when the sun was down, no more night feedings. Though she still got to have it for nap time, and comfort during the day. Everyone was okay with this, the toddler and my doctor.

Then came Friday. We took the toddler to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. She got upset because she dropped the temperature toothpick from her steak which is how she likes to eat her steak, and started throwing a fit. She repeatedly tried to remove my shirt, not to feed but to hold my boob, we were seated directly across from the men's room, and with my PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, it was insanely hard on me. I told her if she kept it up she would not breast feed any more. She kept it up, and we reached the point of done. Today was day 3 without it, she hasn't asked again, and it's safe to say we are done. I might miss it eventually, I love the bonus snuggles from it, but I did miss having some part of my body to myself. For a month (hopefully) any way.

Birth Control for Fertility Treatments

It is still entirely too weird being on the birth control pill as part of my fertility treatments. 3 days in, 11 to go. Taking a little pill every day to hope to reduce the size of a cyst, one that is preventing the next cycle from starting. The 2.4 cm cyst that is changing our family plan. We wanted to try in October, the insane length of time it took to get in to the clinic after we got our referral in August prevented that. Well I did have an appointment in October, until the clinic cancelled it and rescheduled it for December. We were finally ready to actually start in February, but we all know how that has been turning out.

I can't wait to be moving forward again. Being stalled feels more like failure than anything else. Taking birth control at any time in this process feels like failure. I hate this feeling. But I also moved forward with other things. I used C's help to contact a new therapist, one that shouldn't charge 250 AFTER insurance, and try to assign me to the wrong therapist. Trust me, I don't need a doctor who specializes in Trans issues, that is not why I need therapy, I need PTSD therapy. I need help working on my anxiety and depression, I need help processing all the panic attacks and the fears, and the flashbacks. I need help communicating with the people close to me. I need help not over reacting internally to every stimuli. I need help feeling level again. I don't need help processing the fact my husband is trans, I am good with that, have never had an issue with that, and will never have an issue with that. Keeping most of him is so much better than losing all of him. and when he wasn't living his true life he was suicidal. I could have lost ALL of him.

Sick Toddler

Toddler has been incredibly congested for 3 days, though it seems to be clearing up. Yesterday she even had a fever with it. Tylenol cleared it right up, thank goodness. She hates having her nose wiped, which has made it a LONG couple of days. Luckily a few months ago we made her milk tea the first time, and so it was easy to keep her hydrated and give her honey to prevent a sore throat from post nasal drip. I am assuming she has post nasal drip since I do, and she basically has my nose lol.

The hardest part might be that since she is sick she is extra cranky. I keep getting punched, and yelled at, in toddlerese which is not always easy to figure out. As she gets better she is being friendly again thank goodness. Of course she is still her stubborn self, sick or not. And her eating habits are getting back to normal, which is always a good thing.

Answers

So I started National Infertility Awareness week sitting in my Reproductive Endocrinologists office. Trust me, the irony was not lost on me. But unlike Thursday I finally got some answers; it really makes a difference when you get to see YOUR doctor and not one of the practice doctors. So she confirmed I had a biochemical pregnancy, and the hormones from it caused my body to start ovulation, but that follicle slowed in growth and has become a persistent cyst. So now, part of my fertility treatments is birth control pills, 2 weeks of them, that is right, part of my route to getting pregnant involves birth control. Seems like an oxymoron, but I need to regulate my hormones to get rid of the cyst.

It's amazing how even though I am not the primary reason for seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in our family, I still have issues from the treatments, which means it can happen to ANYONE. I have never once blamed my husband for having to grow our family this way, he even offered to carry a child for me, but he had been bleeding for 10 months straight and he needed a hysterectomy, plus I would have been so insanely jealous, that it probably would have broken up our relationship. That seems illogical since I had such a hard pregnancy, morning sickness the entire time, 3-5 bags of fluid twice a week, gestational diabetes, prodromal labor for 2 and a half months. And here I am fighting to do it again. because with all the pregnancy issues my toddler were so worth the battles. Heck even the PPD was entirely worth it (and so much better controlled since I was already under a regular therapists care).

Early tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy early day, which takes a lot of getting used to. I have to go back to the doctor, because of course I am still waiting for my cycle to start. Weirdest round of fertility treatments ever. This might be the only time I will openly wish my husband was born with the bits he feels like he should have been. Maybe tomorrow I will actually get answers instead of a generic well you should start in the next two days, and if you don't let us know Tuesday. For real I am sure natural planning is stressful, but this is expensive and stressful which sucks. This is less expensive than toddler, since I am actually on my husband's insurance this time, last time I was just using my VA coverage and fertility treatments were not covered.

It's more stressful not having answers than knowing I am absolutely without a doubt not pregnant and starting the process again. Dear Aunt Flo, I never thought I would fight for you. And after this pregnancy I might try to eliminate you from my life since we have agreed to only 2 bio pregnancies and possibly adoption later.

I wish family planning were easier, but I guess I can't change that now. At least we have been able to time things how we are most comfortable?

I feel some days like I will snap

Toddlers are stressful human beings, add in the stressors of life, and some days you just feel like you are going to snap. Your toddler won't nap, because she won't nap she is angry and hitting you, and screaming, and you aren't sure what the next step should be. You work hard to stay calm. You hug her. You try to stay calm. Some days you don't know how much longer you can stay calm.

I am not always sure what the best route is when raising my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing a disservice by trying to have another baby, is a sibling really what she needs, or does she need all of mommy. Will I smother her if it is just her. Will she miss the companionship. Can I handle another failed cycle, or another chemical pregnancy, can I handle the let down of a negative pregnancy test? Can I handle another cycle so aggressive I get a cyst that postpones the next? Am I cut out for all of this?

When I get stressed I shop, and usually my daughter benefits. She has so many toys that I have to hide some. She gets toys for existing. Not for holidays, not for birthdays, she gets toys because it is comic book day, she gets toys because mommy wanted them as a child, she gets them because mommy was sad and wanted to shop. She has so many clothes, and shoes, and toys that it is entirely too intense sometimes. For this reason she should have a sibling, someone to split things with, to share things, so that maybe she won't end up a horrible spoiled girl against everything I want her to be.

I am not sure if the hormones from the trying is bringing back my PPD along with my PTSD. Life is just too complicated sometimes. I really do need to find a therapist, and walk in to make an appointment if I can't handle the phone that day.

Flying Spaghetti Monsters

I am not sure where tonight's blog will go, I just feel the need to write something... though I am not sure exactly what.

I am 5 episodes from being ready to watch the episode tonight, so that will all be caught up tomorrow. But i can't take any more tonight.

For now it is about time to put the toddler down for a nap, she had an interesting day, she refused to eat at lunch when we got Dim Sum, because she wanted her normal from that restaurant, so guess who got her sushi after all, lol. For real toddlers can be so intense!  She also tried to boycott her nap today, and ended up taking a late one, so hopefully here in a few minutes she will sleep at bedtime. Only time will tell!

End of a visit

My Mother in Law left to go back to West Virginia tonight, it was nice having another adult here that was up most of the time when I was awake, and to get some socialization for me, as well as all the benefits for my daughter spending time with her. We ended our visit going to the comic book store, which means the toddler got 3 Funko pops instead of the normal 2 (she gets 2 if she goes and 1 if she stays home on comic books days). Today she picked Frank N Furter, Black Canary and Wonder Woman. Her collection is growing quite rapidly, which is good, since they are her favorite toys.

It's an interesting tradition in our family, movies and comic book stores are our favorite outings. My husband gathers all the signed books he can, and they have them fairly often at this store. My daughter circles the giant Funko display for as long as we let her, and takes her time selecting her new toys. Most of them stay home, but she gets to bring 3 in her diaper bag. Elsa has never been allowed in the diaper bag, she isn't allowed near Sherlock (I still can't figure out why) and Sherlock is a diaper bag staple.

Toddler Eating habits

This week I did a survey on my toddler's eating habits. They called on a Wednesday so the information was about a Tuesday. Tuesdays might be the worst day of the week for my toddler's eating habits. You see Tuesday is the day she has swim class, so she always has M&Ms, and we usually eat out for lunch, much of the time it's fast food, so she can eat before her nap. We also have fried rice and orange chicken every week, because it's the hubby's favorite, and well it's nice to have one night a week where I don't have to think about what we are eating. So it looked like she is not the best eater.

Other foods she has eaten this week include Miso soup, which she LOVES, sushi, bul go gi, tilapia, so much broccoli, and chicken tikka masala. Yes she is a typical American kid, she has had chips, animal crackers, a juice box, a ton of chocolate milk, and fruit snacks. Most kids would have a hard time eating healthy ALL the time, but it's nice that my kid will eat healthy a good chunk of the time.

It's hard not to have mom guilt over the things she eats, I hope she will grow up with a good palate, enjoying lots of different types of foods, but I can't predict it, because she is a toddler, and she my first kid, so I don't really know when things might change, for now I am happy she will try all new foods, and she enjoys exotic cuisines.

When your late, but the test is negative

So I have to go to the doctor at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, (leaving the house at 630 to be there at 730) because I need to have blood work done, and get an ultrasound. Both my doctor and I are wondering why my cycle still hasn't returned and the home pregnancy tests are still negative. I have wrapped my head around it being a chemical pregnancy, and am as okay with it as I will ever be. I am reasonably okay with it being late because of a cyst caused by the IUI treatments, and I am confused if it's a low HCG pregnancy since with Rayna my HCG was crazy high from the start. What I can say without a doubt it is not a is cryptic, or stealth pregnancy. I am clearly not about to be pregnant for 3-5 years, and I sure as heck will not think I am pregnant after a blood test and ultrasound. I just like to know what the heck is going on in my body, and wish I could figure it out on my own, but that is why you have a fertility doctor, right?

Even with my PCOS I have always had a regular cycle (28 days before the toddler, 31 days once my cycles started back up after the toddler- though breastfeeding gave me an awesome extra 14 months off lol) and honestly I doubt we would be seeing a fertility doctor if my hubby was born with the wrong bits. It does not bother us that this is family planning as a same sex and now trans family, and we choose to go through a doctor because sperm from a bank is expensive and we want to increase our chances each month, simple arithmetic really.

Would I be thrilled if somehow I am pregnant, heck yes. Will I be okay if I am not and we can figure out why my cycle is starting 2 weeks late, yes I will! For now, I am still playing a waiting game, dealing with this heartburn, and wondering why the heck I don't have PMS yet lol.

Toddlers and pets

My daughter LOVES to feed our dog and "torture" our cat, I say torture, but the cat totally digs everything the toddler does, all the fur tugging, tail pulling, and face smushing.  Without a doubt my cat abandoned me when I got pregnant, the thing growing in my belly was more important to her, now they nap together, they hog my bed together, they follow each other like shadows, and even climb the cat tree together.

Unfortunately because she feeds him so much, the dog is starting to think he should be allowed to chew on EVERYTHING she hands him, thus none of her toys are safe, but especially her squeaky Easter eggs, as seen at this link The crazy squeaky eggs. He has chewed up several, the first was day one, I had to reorder them within 24 hours of receiving them, which is intense!

Because she has pets that give her vocal warnings and she experiences animals, she is good with most animals which makes me proud, though when both my mom's dogs bit her, my mom insisted it was because my daughter isn't good with dogs. Which is hogwash, but that is a thought process for another day.

What the actual Fuck

I find a say this phrase entirely too often. I don't even know how things shock me any more.

But aside from that, how awesome would GoT be if it was all Tyrion, Arya and the Hound.

Finishing season 3 now, so I guess I will be a little behind when it comes to the new season... But not watching for almost 2 years, I feel like I needed to start from the beginning.  Hopefully I am through with this soon enough!

Phone meets water

Today is one of those day,

My phone took a bath. In the animal's water dish. Of course I didn't react correctly and turn it off and automatically dry it, I have never had this happen before, so it may be down for the count, like forever. So trying to decide what my best route is in getting it fixed.

I have insurance on it, but it's 150, and if I pay off 180 I can pay it off and upgrade through Verizon. So now I have some thinking to do. I will probably pay a little more and get a more water resistant phone, or one that I don't have to put a wireless charging back on it that makes it so it won't fit well in cases. Life with a toddler means you have to protect things as much as you can. What phones do people have that they like? More points if they are water resistant!!!

Watching TV Shows I hate

Every year, I binge watch a show I hate to prep for the new season, and then I watch every episode of the new season, so my husband can talk about it at work, and so I can have something to talk about with my best friend when football isn't going on.  Some days this show is like torture, I am not even sure why I do this, and yet every year, I do it again and again.

What show is it that is slowly melting my brain each April?  GoT, I like that I understand the Memes. I like having a show to watch with my husband. It comes on after TWD ends each season, so we are always down a weekly ritual, and it does fill that void.

Is there a show that you don't like that you watch any way?

Zombies and dreams

I've been having dreams lately where I win the zombie apocalypse, it's a nice break from my normal PTSD flashbacks and sleeping panic attacks. Usually I am doing it with one of my really good friends J. It's bittersweet, because I haven't been able to see him in a while as life move people in separate directions and to new states all the time in my world.

It sucks when you live states away from the people you care about, it sucks more when you rarely get to see your friends who live down the street, or well any where within an hour radius. I miss being a kid a seeing my friends every day on the bus or in school sometimes, I even miss working, and wish I could again, but the debilitating panic attacks that come from being around men I don't trust are insane, I get them at the grocery store,or driving, without prolonged exposure. Life is complicated with it's curve balls sometimes isn't it.

Nap Boycots

Why is it toddlers decide to boycott their naps? They know they need them, you can tell because they are rubbing their eyes, and yet they do everything in their power to stay awake.  They kick, they run, my daughter even bites. Nap time might be the most stressful part of our day 60% of the time, the other 40% Rayna sleeps like a dream at nap time.

Toddlers are crazy.

Sometimes it's okay to just ponder

Occasionally I wonder if my toddler is going to be autistic like her uncle, there are a few reasons why, First would have to be the fact she doesn't like to talk, much like the fact she could walk for 4 months before she would let people see her do it, she chooses not to talk even though when she is mad or we are alone, she does talk and clearly. Second she would rather watch her iPad than make eye contact with people, and her favorite part of Facetime is watching herself, not the person she is talking to. And third, because she does have an autistic uncle, and aspy father, so it is in the family. No my husband is not her biological father, he wasn't born with the right bits for that, but he is a pivotal part of her upbringing, because he is and always will be her daddy.

The weird thing is, it wouldn't bother me at all if she is autistic, I don't see an issue with it at all, which is why it confuses me so much that people rely on the false studies that say vaccines cause autism, and thus don't vaccinate their kids. Autism is clearly much better than deathly ill children, or bring back diseases we have the ability to eradicate. And I am so for herd immunity to help protect the immunocompromised children and adults that need it, but the selfish parents, that do not vaccinate for non health reasons I have a hard time understanding. This is not me trying to convince anyone to vaccinate, that is not my place, but I am definitely pro vaccinations.

Reaching out, and the difficulties with it.

Sometimes, even after you reach out for help with your depression, it is still hard to admit your dealing with it. You are so accustomed to saying, oh I'm okay, I'm fine. The most unwell answers I can give are, I've been better, and I'm kind of meh. Neither of those answers even touch the depth of my feelings, I feel empty, isolated and alone, I am too anxious to continue to reach out if I keep getting told no, or stood up, and it's hard. I have thought actively lately of ways to kill myself, something I have really only gotten in to with my husband, though we both know I won't because I look at my daughter and couldn't do that to her, or leave him alone with her, she would stress him out!

I wish there was an easy out of depression, I wish my anxiety wasn't so crippling and I could just easily call every therapist on my insurance's website. it's not an easy solution once you start to feel this way. I wish once you reach out the call for help once, it was easier to admit you need the help when people ask later. One day, maybe this will get easier, but for now, it just isn't.

Here is the Rafflecopter for the giveaway I started yesterday to help keep me motivated to keep writing through this incredibly blank spell of life.

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First Giveaway

This is not a big giveaway, but I would like to make myself more active in blogging, and one way for me to do that is to host some giveaways, one of my most favorite past times is entering sweepstakes, so here is one for everyone else. I wish it was bigger, but until I do more with this they will probably be smaller sweepstakes =)


a Rafflecopter giveaway

What bathroom do you want my husband using?

I see this issue coming up more and more on social media, concerned conservative parents not wanting transgender girls in their bathrooms, well guess what, by that logic you want my big burly 230+ lb husband in your bathroom.  No he has not been on his hormones long enough to have his beard yet which will make him even more intimidating, but he definitely looks and sounds more male each month.
When we loved in GA (up until last August) he was still using the women's room, because well, they had more stalls, and we were in a state where he was worried about violence against him if he went in to the men's room. We live in MD now,and he has been using the men's room since we moved, it makes him more confident in his identity to be able to, and since he isn't in there to peek at people, or do anything perverted, it isn't a big deal to any one.  I'm pretty sure if he tried to go into the women's room here, 8 more months in to his transition (so now a full year after he started T) there would be many more issues. My husband is not going to do anything to any one's child, or any adult for that matter, while in the restroom, or anywhere, so it really doesn't effect any one where he decides to pee. Yet to all those bigots, for some reason, it matters.
I'm sorry that they don't understand in keeping transgender women out of their bathrooms, they are asking the transgender males to come back, people like Buck Angel, Chaz Bono and Loren Cameron. I'm just naming 3 famous men, there are more, they are easy to find.
There are new studies saying 1 in 3 people know or work with a transgender person, so chances are these women know people who have transitioned and never even realized it.

Do all Toddlers Do this?

My Toddler is obsessed with finding chargers that are plugged in to the wall, and chewing on them.  No joke, ALL the time. I have had to buy a new charger EVERY month for the last 6 months, sometimes they break down so rapidly I am without a phone.

I am honestly just wondering if any other toddlers, or even any adults, EVER do this. And if you have ever seen any one break this habit, how?

Chemical pregnancies and depression

Some times you want something so badly it hurts. That is how I feel about the second baby that made made the lines switch from negative to positive after fertility treatment. I tested out my trigger, I watched the line fade, I watched it disappear, and I watched it come back. I was excited. It's been hard to feel that excited battling with depression and anxiety that come with my PTSD.
The new line stayed for 5 days, then it started to fade and disappear, I was no longer pregnant, the embryo did not implant properly, and we have to start over. Why are we going through fertility treatments you may be asking if you don't know me, well it's because my husband was "born with the wrong bits."  It's hard to get pregnant when your spouse doesn't create their own sperm.
The day the test was negative again I tried to talk to my mom, tried to let her in, and started by asking her to please stop telling everyone I was pregnant (never having had an issue, we let people know early; it's easier to express a loss than to have every single person in your life ask how fertility treatments are going) I couldn't even get out that I wasn't any more before things somehow twisted to how stressful I was at 23 on her, more than my sister, another thing I am doing wrong.
Day 13 after IUI, 2 days after the last line, I broke down in the shower I just knew, the bout of nausea I had the night before would be the only one with this embryo, I knew that the official test the next day would be negative. Without even processing what I was writing, I posted this on Facebook:

Ugh. I feel so numb. I have glimmers of happy or sad, but mostly apathy and numbness. I'm pretty tired of feeling this way, but the therapist my doctor referred me to, and my insurance approved, doesn't want to take my insurance, and instead charge me 200 a visit. And the psych doctor wanted me to see the trans therapist instead of the PTSD therapist, which isn't even the right fit for my issues... Which makes me feel more hopeless. Sure we could probably find that money in our budgets, but it's just too much, for probably the wrong fit, and with a spouse who also battles anxiety and depression, changing the budget that is working to keep him balanced seems silly. Probably doesn't help that I had a positive pregnancy test that turned negative this month. (Chemical pregnancy, or an embryo that didn't complete implanting is the probable explanation, and unless I bring it up to you I don't really want to talk more about this, and I really don't want to discuss when we will add to our family after this) I don't know. I'm just lost. And I feel like maybe if I talk about it, other people who feel lost may feel less so.

People reached out, but when your depressed it still doesn't sink in that any one cares that anyone gives a shit, the crying kept going.  I questioned if I could handle another cycle of fertility treatments.  I still question it sometimes, if I can handle the change that will happen between me and my daughter, the change between her and her father, the change between me and C. But we decided a long time ago we wanted more than one, and we preferred a smaller age gap, so I am sure we are moving forward again.