Sometimes when I watch Catfish I wonder how people can do this to others. How do you show a picture that isn't you, make up lies about everything, and constantly be hiding who you are? How can people say it is a confidence booster? Is it confident to hide behind an avatar?
I think it's similar to the people who troll on the internet, when your hiding behind a screen people are brave.
I would hate to think I bully anyone online, and work as hard as i can to keep the net a safer place, because like it or not the toddler is better with electronics than I am.
I may not be perfect, but most days I am pretty content being me.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Potty Training! Scary!
We started underwear and potty training steps, and it is so scary. The toddler has been showing us she is ready for a good while now, running to specific places to crouch and poop, trying to take off her diaper before and after she pees, but I have been hesitant because she is not the best at speaking to communicate yet, she can tell you what she wants with gestures and signs and doesn't seem to care to speak unless your really not paying attention to her, or she really has to tell you she didn't do something, and we take a lot of road trips so she won't be able to communicate her need to use the bathroom as well as a mommy would like, but she is outgrowing the largest size of iPlay swim diapers at 20 months old, and size 6 huggies are even too snug after a big meal.
So we bought Pull Ups which we will probably use at night until we wean off the full bottles around bed time, and underwear, and we have been spending more time acclimating her to the potty she has been peeing on since she was 6 months old. It was really about curiosity then, sitting when mommy sat since she didn't want to be apart and she would just go most of the time, this is different she is more mobile, more opinionated, more fun.
Tonight she had a dry hour before bed, with a little potty sitting and playing up and down with her panties, we will try for longer tomorrow, and more the day after that, until this process is done, wooooo. I just hope she doesn't use the diaper free time to pee on the cat like she did every time she had naked time when she was itty bitty.
So we bought Pull Ups which we will probably use at night until we wean off the full bottles around bed time, and underwear, and we have been spending more time acclimating her to the potty she has been peeing on since she was 6 months old. It was really about curiosity then, sitting when mommy sat since she didn't want to be apart and she would just go most of the time, this is different she is more mobile, more opinionated, more fun.
Tonight she had a dry hour before bed, with a little potty sitting and playing up and down with her panties, we will try for longer tomorrow, and more the day after that, until this process is done, wooooo. I just hope she doesn't use the diaper free time to pee on the cat like she did every time she had naked time when she was itty bitty.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Acupuncture with Fertility treatments
I started acupuncture tonight, because with the toddler the first cycle failed, then I had 3 sessions of acupuncture before our IUI with her, and here she is BAM! Quintuple the follicles, with no change in the meds. This may not be the norm this is my actual experience. So after this last failed cycle, we started acupuncture again. Here are someone else's facts on the matter. it's nice to have 45 minutes to just sit, and not worry about the toddler because she is home with daddy. We will be doing this twice a week until IUI and once a week through the first trimester, up to 30 sessions (because that is what insurance covers, and that is an important factor).
On that point 8 more days of birth control. Which is still, even being poked with 20 needles, the weirdest part of my fertility journey yet. Oh you want to get rid of a cyst? Take birth control. I never knew birth control could reduce cysts, I knew it could be treatment for keeping them at bay, but I didn't know it was more aggressive than that.
An odd thing I keep thinking about is how to pick a donor, be is sperm or egg. We have only had to pick sperm donors, and we went with my blood type (there is an old wive's tale that if the baby is your blood type you will have less morning sickness), C's hair color and eye color, CMV- (because I am and there is no reason to risk my ability to give baby blood if we don't have to) and then by education, the top with education in our filter had allergies, and we wanted to reduce allergy risk with all my allergies so we went with the second on the list. Donor 2789. I am sure other people have different processes, heck our sperm bank even photo matches to the dad if you want. Because science is awesome.
On that point 8 more days of birth control. Which is still, even being poked with 20 needles, the weirdest part of my fertility journey yet. Oh you want to get rid of a cyst? Take birth control. I never knew birth control could reduce cysts, I knew it could be treatment for keeping them at bay, but I didn't know it was more aggressive than that.
An odd thing I keep thinking about is how to pick a donor, be is sperm or egg. We have only had to pick sperm donors, and we went with my blood type (there is an old wive's tale that if the baby is your blood type you will have less morning sickness), C's hair color and eye color, CMV- (because I am and there is no reason to risk my ability to give baby blood if we don't have to) and then by education, the top with education in our filter had allergies, and we wanted to reduce allergy risk with all my allergies so we went with the second on the list. Donor 2789. I am sure other people have different processes, heck our sperm bank even photo matches to the dad if you want. Because science is awesome.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
5 days shy of 20 months
... I breast fed my daughter for 5 days shy of 20 months. I promised her a year, she conned 5 days short of 20 months from me. I can't even really say conned, she convinced me though.
It was a tough journey. For the first 5 weeks she didn't gain weight, we tried everything, and learned she was getting a fair quantity because of weighted feeds, so they tested my milk and I had low fat low iron milk, the low iron is not a shock since even taking 4 325mg ferrous sulfate pills a day I am extremely anemic, like my normal number is 9, after the iron pills. So we supplemented, and she finally started gaining weight (she was gaining height and head circumference, but not weight) and now she is well above the charts, has been since she was 6 months old. She decided she was done with formula at 10 months, which her doctor was fine with since she was still breastfeeding and we were able to incorporate whole cows milk.
So then when December came and I met with the RE she asked me to cut down, so that my cycle while returned and regular would not be effected, so we stopped boob when the sun was down, no more night feedings. Though she still got to have it for nap time, and comfort during the day. Everyone was okay with this, the toddler and my doctor.
Then came Friday. We took the toddler to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. She got upset because she dropped the temperature toothpick from her steak which is how she likes to eat her steak, and started throwing a fit. She repeatedly tried to remove my shirt, not to feed but to hold my boob, we were seated directly across from the men's room, and with my PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, it was insanely hard on me. I told her if she kept it up she would not breast feed any more. She kept it up, and we reached the point of done. Today was day 3 without it, she hasn't asked again, and it's safe to say we are done. I might miss it eventually, I love the bonus snuggles from it, but I did miss having some part of my body to myself. For a month (hopefully) any way.
It was a tough journey. For the first 5 weeks she didn't gain weight, we tried everything, and learned she was getting a fair quantity because of weighted feeds, so they tested my milk and I had low fat low iron milk, the low iron is not a shock since even taking 4 325mg ferrous sulfate pills a day I am extremely anemic, like my normal number is 9, after the iron pills. So we supplemented, and she finally started gaining weight (she was gaining height and head circumference, but not weight) and now she is well above the charts, has been since she was 6 months old. She decided she was done with formula at 10 months, which her doctor was fine with since she was still breastfeeding and we were able to incorporate whole cows milk.
So then when December came and I met with the RE she asked me to cut down, so that my cycle while returned and regular would not be effected, so we stopped boob when the sun was down, no more night feedings. Though she still got to have it for nap time, and comfort during the day. Everyone was okay with this, the toddler and my doctor.
Then came Friday. We took the toddler to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. She got upset because she dropped the temperature toothpick from her steak which is how she likes to eat her steak, and started throwing a fit. She repeatedly tried to remove my shirt, not to feed but to hold my boob, we were seated directly across from the men's room, and with my PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, it was insanely hard on me. I told her if she kept it up she would not breast feed any more. She kept it up, and we reached the point of done. Today was day 3 without it, she hasn't asked again, and it's safe to say we are done. I might miss it eventually, I love the bonus snuggles from it, but I did miss having some part of my body to myself. For a month (hopefully) any way.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Birth Control for Fertility Treatments
It is still entirely too weird being on the birth control pill as part of my fertility treatments. 3 days in, 11 to go. Taking a little pill every day to hope to reduce the size of a cyst, one that is preventing the next cycle from starting. The 2.4 cm cyst that is changing our family plan. We wanted to try in October, the insane length of time it took to get in to the clinic after we got our referral in August prevented that. Well I did have an appointment in October, until the clinic cancelled it and rescheduled it for December. We were finally ready to actually start in February, but we all know how that has been turning out.
I can't wait to be moving forward again. Being stalled feels more like failure than anything else. Taking birth control at any time in this process feels like failure. I hate this feeling. But I also moved forward with other things. I used C's help to contact a new therapist, one that shouldn't charge 250 AFTER insurance, and try to assign me to the wrong therapist. Trust me, I don't need a doctor who specializes in Trans issues, that is not why I need therapy, I need PTSD therapy. I need help working on my anxiety and depression, I need help processing all the panic attacks and the fears, and the flashbacks. I need help communicating with the people close to me. I need help not over reacting internally to every stimuli. I need help feeling level again. I don't need help processing the fact my husband is trans, I am good with that, have never had an issue with that, and will never have an issue with that. Keeping most of him is so much better than losing all of him. and when he wasn't living his true life he was suicidal. I could have lost ALL of him.
I can't wait to be moving forward again. Being stalled feels more like failure than anything else. Taking birth control at any time in this process feels like failure. I hate this feeling. But I also moved forward with other things. I used C's help to contact a new therapist, one that shouldn't charge 250 AFTER insurance, and try to assign me to the wrong therapist. Trust me, I don't need a doctor who specializes in Trans issues, that is not why I need therapy, I need PTSD therapy. I need help working on my anxiety and depression, I need help processing all the panic attacks and the fears, and the flashbacks. I need help communicating with the people close to me. I need help not over reacting internally to every stimuli. I need help feeling level again. I don't need help processing the fact my husband is trans, I am good with that, have never had an issue with that, and will never have an issue with that. Keeping most of him is so much better than losing all of him. and when he wasn't living his true life he was suicidal. I could have lost ALL of him.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Sick Toddler
Toddler has been incredibly congested for 3 days, though it seems to be clearing up. Yesterday she even had a fever with it. Tylenol cleared it right up, thank goodness. She hates having her nose wiped, which has made it a LONG couple of days. Luckily a few months ago we made her milk tea the first time, and so it was easy to keep her hydrated and give her honey to prevent a sore throat from post nasal drip. I am assuming she has post nasal drip since I do, and she basically has my nose lol.
The hardest part might be that since she is sick she is extra cranky. I keep getting punched, and yelled at, in toddlerese which is not always easy to figure out. As she gets better she is being friendly again thank goodness. Of course she is still her stubborn self, sick or not. And her eating habits are getting back to normal, which is always a good thing.
The hardest part might be that since she is sick she is extra cranky. I keep getting punched, and yelled at, in toddlerese which is not always easy to figure out. As she gets better she is being friendly again thank goodness. Of course she is still her stubborn self, sick or not. And her eating habits are getting back to normal, which is always a good thing.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Answers
So I started National Infertility Awareness week sitting in my Reproductive Endocrinologists office. Trust me, the irony was not lost on me. But unlike Thursday I finally got some answers; it really makes a difference when you get to see YOUR doctor and not one of the practice doctors. So she confirmed I had a biochemical pregnancy, and the hormones from it caused my body to start ovulation, but that follicle slowed in growth and has become a persistent cyst. So now, part of my fertility treatments is birth control pills, 2 weeks of them, that is right, part of my route to getting pregnant involves birth control. Seems like an oxymoron, but I need to regulate my hormones to get rid of the cyst.
It's amazing how even though I am not the primary reason for seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in our family, I still have issues from the treatments, which means it can happen to ANYONE. I have never once blamed my husband for having to grow our family this way, he even offered to carry a child for me, but he had been bleeding for 10 months straight and he needed a hysterectomy, plus I would have been so insanely jealous, that it probably would have broken up our relationship. That seems illogical since I had such a hard pregnancy, morning sickness the entire time, 3-5 bags of fluid twice a week, gestational diabetes, prodromal labor for 2 and a half months. And here I am fighting to do it again. because with all the pregnancy issues my toddler were so worth the battles. Heck even the PPD was entirely worth it (and so much better controlled since I was already under a regular therapists care).
It's amazing how even though I am not the primary reason for seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in our family, I still have issues from the treatments, which means it can happen to ANYONE. I have never once blamed my husband for having to grow our family this way, he even offered to carry a child for me, but he had been bleeding for 10 months straight and he needed a hysterectomy, plus I would have been so insanely jealous, that it probably would have broken up our relationship. That seems illogical since I had such a hard pregnancy, morning sickness the entire time, 3-5 bags of fluid twice a week, gestational diabetes, prodromal labor for 2 and a half months. And here I am fighting to do it again. because with all the pregnancy issues my toddler were so worth the battles. Heck even the PPD was entirely worth it (and so much better controlled since I was already under a regular therapists care).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)